On Choice

I have been through so many stages of Will I/Won't I on my desire to (not?) have kids. I have thought about so many potential situations of accidentally getting pregnant, and what I'd do, depending on my circumstances at the time (who, if anyone, I'd be seeing at the time, how much money I'd have, where I'd be living, if I had a decent job or a job at all. Could I do it while writing a PhD? Who knows). The variations on a theme are endless, and I almost never come up with a proper answer - a definite YES or NO. I've been through stages of thinking I would definitely have kids "one day", that being a parent is something I'd be great at, and stages of thinking "no way never, not a chance in hell". But almost all those thoughts, through all those years, have been to do with me.

I know my feminism. I know that it's all about me, and my right to choose, and anyone who puts pressure on me either way should be shown the metaphorical door (or at least, totally disregarded). I know all the stories of people whose partners or families or friends (or doctors or government or counsellors, dammit) put pressure on them to have or not have children, to get pregnant or stay pregnant, to prevent pregnancy or end it. And I know that it's my choice.

All that went flying out of the window when my mum casually(!) mentioned that if my sister or I had kids in the next five years, she'd still be at least 80 by the time they were 15.

Suddenly, I didn't think about whether or not I wanted kids, or how they would fit into my life if I had them. That stopped mattering. What mattered was that my mum is born to be a grandma. I'd never really thought about it, beyond the normal joking about that kind of thing that happens between mums and daughters (or is that just us?). But as soon as she said that, it hit me right between the eyes: the only way my mum gets to be a grandma is if my sister or I make it so. And I'm sure that's a dreadful reason to have kids, but damn I love my mum. I'd do anything for her, absolutely anything, and apparently that includes having children.

Quite possibly this is just my silly brain going "Phew! Someone else has made the decision, now I can just relax and go along with it". That sounds like something I'd do, on such an important life decision. Just go with the flow. I sometimes catch myself thinking that I'd quite like to accidentally get pregnant, just to see what I'd do if I was forced to make the decision. Obviously I am enormously privileged in being someone for whom choice is even possible. Equally obviously I'd have to do make that choice pretty fast, before the damn Coalition starts rolling back abortion rights. Otherwise someone else would be choosing for me, and that would never do! But, seriously. I think I would genuinely consider having a child solely so that my mum could be its grandma. Because she would be an even more amazing grandma than she is an amazing mum - and that is saying something.

My Genital Affirmation

Here is a link to a YouTube video I came across on Genderfork:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_IA1bJH4bU

It is called My Genital Affirmation, and its tagline is A Vagina Dialog: A Transgender Vagina Talks Back. (I use the pronouns he/his throughout (for Simon, not his vagina!), but I don't actually know if that's what Simon prefers. Apologies if I've got it wrong.)

Description: One person speaks from various positions in one room, with one camera angle. He wears a few different outfits in different shots - a suit and tie; trousers and a shirt, a white vest top. Sometimes he wears glasses.

Transcript:

"First things first. My vagina prefers male pronouns. If you don't understand that, then you probably won't understand anything my vagina has to say, and should probably just stop playing this clip right now.

My vagina is tired of the people who assume that because I'm (whispers) a man, I must hate my vagina. He is not hated. He does not hate himself. My masculinity and my vagina live together in harmony. Yes, sometimes they fight; sometimes they get along fine; but regardless, they always do and always will cohabit as me.

My vagina knows that he will be asked over and over again if he is still living down there and if he is, how he's doing. He's fine! I love my vagina and the history he represents. The strength, power, potential life that all vaginas represent. Yes - I'm saying that. He is proud to be a vagina.

My vagina can take a lot, and since he is connected to my hips and my thighs, he can give even more. He can give even more.

My vagina has grown accustomed to tentative bewildered hands and mouths fumbling. He does not expect anyone to know how to handle him at first contact, or even know how to address him without proper instructions. Don't worry, he will instruct you. He just wants an open mind. What he wants and what he needs sometimes changes from day to day.

My vagina wants to be listened to and heard and understood and validated.

My vagina knows that he is misunderstood and wondered about. He is used to it. Don't think he doesn't hear what people are saying. He hears it.

My vagina recognises that many people think that I am weak and less than other men because he is part of me. Sometime this gets to him. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes he is frustrated and angry. Sometimes he is just happy to be alive.

My vagina is silent, and he is sick of his silence.

My vagina is invisible and is sick of his invisibility.

My vagina is ashamed and hidden, but doesn't want to be.

I am all man. I am all man. I am all man. And I love my vagina. I am all man and I love my vagina."

I'm not really sure what to say about it. I love it, obviously. A few of the comments mention 'The Vagina Monologues' - one suggests that Simon tries to get My Genital Affirmation included in that, since it doesn't have any pieces on trans men. My own memories of seeing and reading The Vagina Monologues are positive, but it was long enough ago that it didn't occur to me to question that lack - or even, honestly, to notice it. I wonder what a queer/trans Vagina Monologues would look like.

The section on the "potential life that all vaginas represent" is interesting to me. It seems odd in this context, given the troubled history of equating 'women' with 'vaginas' with 'child-bearing'. Simon is making a powerful case for the diversity of the vagina. I hope I'm not misrepresenting his position, but I read this video as saying 'a man can have a vagina, and it doesn't make him less of a man, or his vagina less of a vagina. But suggesting that all vaginas represent potential life troubles me. What about vaginas that are part of people (men, women, trans, queer, whatever) who can't or don't want to 'create life'? Do their vaginas still 'represent potential life', despite their feelings? Does 'biology' trump desire?

I wonder if Simon is commenting obliquely on that with his immediately-following remark "Yes - I'm saying that". Is he acknowledging the controversial nature of his statement, and reinforcing his belief nonetheless that "all vaginas [] represent potential life"? Is his reiteration a defiance along the lines of 'yes, I'm a trans man and my vagina can create life'? Because that's lovely. I'm just not sure equating all vaginas with potential life is in line with the joyful liberating cry of 'this is who I am, and I love it'. 'This is who I am, and this is who you are' doesn't quite work as well, for me.

I love the sexiness of this video, and I love the pride in the sexiness. I love the unapologetic attitude of it - the 'fuck you'ness of it, if you will. I love Simon's curly hair and his white vest. I think he's kind of a hottie, actually! And, to top it all off, his vagina sounds like a total dude. Definitely keeping an eye on that channel.